Oo nga, napansin ko rin na di na ako masyado nakapag-blog. Medyo naging busy lang sa mga bagay bagay. Pasensya na.
So if you guys think that this entry will be about the undying love I have for my ex, well then nagkakamail kayo. From this entry and so on, I will not talk about it na. Or at least I'll try not to. Lol. Sabihin nalang natin na natauhan na nga ako, and hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na I was being stupid for 6 long years. Tang ina.
Oo, pagod na akong magmahal ng taong hindi sensitibo sa feelings ng iba. Inaamin ko, nagbubulag-bulagan lang ako kasi akala ko, I can go on with the feelings I had for him inspite of everything, pero hindi pala. Pagod na akong mag kunwari na isa akong butihing kaibigan kahit alam kong he was just taking my kindness for granted.
Pagod na akong gawin ang mga gusto nyang gawin kahit di ko trip. Pero dahil trip nya, pinipilit ko ang sarili kong masabayan siya, kasi nagbabakasakali ako na marealize nya that we had some things in common.
Pagod na akong saluhin siya sa lahat ng problema nya sa pamilya, eskwelahan, mga kaibigan, at lovelife. Pagod na akong magpaalam sa nanay nya tuwing meh mga out-of-town trips kami. Pagod na akong gumawa ng mga projects at assignments nya at i-tutor sya. Pagod na ako sa pag-aalaga sa kanya pagnalalasing siya tuwing inuman. Pagod na akong isakripisyo ang nararamdaman ko para lang makita siyang masaya sa piling ng iba.
Pagod na pagod na ako, utang na loob.
I made my world revolve around you for quite a long time already and I think I have grown now. I surrendered my feelings not because I don't love you anymore but because I got tired of putting you first instead of myself. There were several times when I just unintentionally forget about me because I had to think of you first. Pinabayaan ko na sarili ko, and it isn't good anymore. I must love myself before anything else.
Sa mga oras na kinelangan mo ako, lagi akong nasa tabi mo. Pinagtiyagaan kita, but then I now realize that you were just simply taking me for granted kasi alam mo na hindi kita kayang iwanan sa ere noon. Pero eto na, I'm leaving you behind because I'm leaving my past behind and you're a part of it.
Pero gusto ko pa rin na maging magkaibigan tayo. Pero hanggang doon nalang talaga. I'm drawing the line kasi alam ko na yan ang nararapat. Tang ina, I could've done this way before. But yeah, I'm cool about it na. Accepted ko na na hanggang dito nalang talaga.
Friends. Nothing more, nothing less.
At kahit bolahin mo pa ako ng abot langit, I won't fall for it anymore. Never.
Nasaan ka? Ba't dalawang araw ka ng hindi nagtetext? Ba't pag tumatawag ako sa inyo, parating wala ka. Break na daw kayo, sabi ni Elle? Totoo ba? Hinahanap kita kasi gusto kita i-comfort, pero hindi kita mahagilap. Cellphone mo parating off. Nasaan ka ba?
I want to do my role as a friend, and nothing else. Promise, hindi ako magpapa-cute sa'yo. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na kahit papano at ano man ang mangyari, you'll always find a friend in me. My shoulders are ready for you to cry on, Love.
Magpakita ka na kung ready ka na hah? Alam mo kung nasaan ako naghihintay.
Alam ko kelangan mo ng makausap.
There's a friend who happened to discover my blog and she told me to just move on and leave my past behind.
I told her, "If it's that easy, then I could've done that 6 years ago".
She gave me this look and told me, "What's so hard with that? Move on na, Kai. It's easy because if it's not, then you wouldn't have relationships after him. And I believe that time heals. It has been 6 years. Those years were enough for you to move on and forget your feelings for him."
"I've always wanted to move on. Sino ba naman ang ayaw mag move on? Who would want to dwell in this feelings I have for him?", I told her.
"But still, I don't understand.", she said.
I didn't argue anymore because I know she wouldn't understand anyway. No one understands everything that I am going through right now and for the past 6 years. No one even understands every millimeter of pain I am feeling. It's not as easy as it sounds, I tell you.
But I guess everything boils down to one thing. If we weren't friends after the break-up, then maybe I could've moved on with my life and leave the past behind. Mahirap kasi sabihin na mag move on na while he's still a part of your life and your daily routine.
How can you forget someone who is making you fall for him over and over again everyday?
Sige nga, you tell me.
We were texting a while ago, but you didn't reply anymore.
Until now, hinihintay ko pa rin ang reply mo. Importante sa akin ang magiging sagot mo sa tanong ko sa'yo. Kung mahal mo pa ba siya kahit nahuli mong nagtetext sila ng ex nya at ini-entertain pa nyang manligaw ulit yung ex nya sa kanya. Pero naisip ko tuloy, bakit hindi, at never, naging issue sa inyo that we are texting each other. Ex mo rin naman ako ah.
Ano kaya sinabi mo sa kanya at feeling ko, assured siya sa relationship n'yo. Sinabi mo ba sa kanya na hanggang friends nalang talaga tayo? Sinabi mo ba sa kanya na you just treat me now as a bestfriend? Sinabi mo ba sa kanya na wala na talagang chance na magkabalikan tayo? Sinabi mo ba sa kanya na wag siya magselos kasi... kasi... kasi never mo naman talaga ako minahal kaya there's no chance in this world of us getting back together?
Ano man dun ang magiging sagot mo, magiging masakit pa rin sa akin. I can not think of any reason kung bakit hindi, at never, talaga nagselos girlfriend mo sa akin. Hindi ko rin naman masasabing hindi s'ya selosa kasi ultimo kaklase mong bading, pinagseselosan nya. Ang hindi lang, pamilya mo, mga kaibigan mong lalake, at AKO. Ba't ganun?
Bakit pumapayag siya palagi pag ako ang nagpapaalam para sa'yo tuwing gumigimik tayo? Bakit pumapayag siya kaagad pag sinabi mo na pupunta ka dito sa bahay kasi wala akong kasama? Bakit okay lang sa kanya pag dito ka matulog pag ginagabi tayo sa paglalakwatcha? Bakit hindi siya nagseselos na kapag namamasyal kayo, palagi mo kong binibilhan ng pasalubong? Bakit parang wala lang sa kanya that time na you had to leave her at her birthday party kasi you had to buy me pizza because I was craving for it? Bakit hindi, at never, n'ya akong pinagselosan? Bakit? Bakit kaya?
Oo, masama na ako, kasi ngayon, naiisip ko tuloy na kaya ganun siya sa'yo at sa akin kasi gusto pa n'ya ex n'ya, and she's planning to go back to him. Sana ganun nga. At sana maisip mo rin na balikan ako 'cause I've been waiting for you since February 19, 2002.
Twenty minutes na nagdaan, hindi ka pa rin nagrereply. Kung sabihin mo man na mahal mo pa rin s'ya kahit ginago ka na n'ya, saludo ako sa'yo. Kaya mo pala maging isang martyr, kagaya ko. Kung sabihin mo na hindi mo na s'ya mahal kasi hindi mo matanggap na ginawa n'ya sa'yo yun, gago ka. Tanggapin mo dahil yun yung totoo. Kung sabihin mo man na hindi ka nasaktan sa ginawa n'ya tapos okay din lang sa'yo na magkabalikan sila ng ex n'ya dahil gusto mo ring makipagbalikan sa ex mo... Aba! Ibang usapan na yan. I'll just pray na sana ako ang tinutukoy mo na "ex". Hehehe! Pero pwera biro, ano man ang magiging sagot mo sa text ko sa'yo, rerespituhin ko yun kasi buhay mo yan. Hindi ako mangengealam.
Ganyan naman talaga role ko sa buhay mo. Taga bigay lang ng advice pero never nangengealam. Ganyan kasi ako magmahal, pinapabayaan ko na yung tao mismo makakadiscover ng mga mali nya. Alam mo naman yun, di ba? Alam mo yun kasi minahal, at mahal pa rin, kita.
Magreply ka na. Wala talaga akong idea kung ano isasagot mo sa text ko, pero excited akong malaman 'to.
6 years. It has been about 6 long years since we broke up. You have moved on. Everyone else has, except me. Yes, though I had two relationships after us, I still cling to the damn hope of having you back. No one else but you. Because until now, I believe that our's was different. It was the most magical for me, the most worth-remembering, and the most special.
In my past relationship [after us], I hoped that I could forget you through him. I hoped that he could replace you in my heart. That maybe he could make me forget you and everything about us. But he failed. It was then I realized that you'll always have this spot in my life. That I can not forget you no matter who comes into my life. That no matter how I try, I still love you and I can not put that aside. You were simply irreplaceable.
Let's just say that I have been loving you in silence after we broke up. You can not blame me for that because you were the one who left me hanging. We were so inseparable that time, then out of nowhere, you called it quits because you thought I was being too immature. I can not blame you for that. I was 15 then, you were 20.
There were times that I wanted to tell you about how I still feel about you. I wouldn't care if you'd call me "cheap". Cheap na kung cheap, but if it would only be the way that I could have you back, then let me be cheap. And I'm going to be proud of it.
I love you. That never changed over the years. At kahit may mga naging girlfriends ka, I didn't care. If there's one thing I learned from you before, that is: Hindi masama ang magmahal, at kahit kailan, hindi magiging masama ito. I am honest with my feelings for you, but I know I just have to keep it to myself.
Over drinking sessions with the barkada, God knows how I control myself every time the alcohol has gotten inside of me. There's a tendency of me breaking down and confessing to you everything, but I have been a good drunk person. I have been good in holding back emotions. Specially when you're right infront of me.
Alam ko, walang malisya sayo everytime we exchange text messages. Yung mga "muah!" ko after every message, and you would reply "tsuppp!". Alam ko, wala sa'yo yun. Pero sa akin, that's already something. Something to be treasured forever kasi alam ko, you're not going to kiss me in real life anymore.
It was my birthday then. You greeted me with a text message. You said, "happy birthday kai! god bless u. ingat! loveu!". I couldn't explain what I was exactly feeling that time. I wanted to jump out of my seat, but I couldn't because I was in the middle of a mass. So I texted you back, "thank u! god bless u more. iloveutoo!". I was hoping you'd reply and tell me that you still love me and you want me back. But you didn't. It could've been my best birthday ever.
Pero I know you still love me as a friend. Masakit mang aminin, pero that's the reality. You care for me so much, but still as a friend. And nonetheless, thankful na rin ako at kahit papano, you still have that touch of kindness to me. And I'm more thankful that even after we broke up, we are still friends.
Of course, merong mga advantages at disadvantages of us being friends. Because if we aren't friends until now, then maybe flirting with you wouldn't be as hard as I thought. If we aren't friends, maybe it would be so easy for me to tell you how I still feel about you. But reality check, we're still friends. Close friends. You belong to my inner circle, and so do I to yours. However, I couldn't be more thankful that we're still friends until now. I get to hang-out with you every time I want to. I get to talk to you as often as I want to talk to someone. I still get to eat, sleep, drink, travel, with you. And I tell you, though we're always together, it's very, very hard for me because the world is just giving me more reasons for me to fall inlove with you over and over again.
I once encountered a quote that went:
" If two past lovers remain as friends, it's either they're still inlove with each other or they never were. "
That quote made me want to ask you right in your face if you have ever loved me before or was I just one of the girls you toyed with. But I guess the answer isn't important anymore. I don't need to hear your answer, simply because I'm afraid of what I might hear from you.
Pero oo, umaasa pa rin ako na one day, you'll come up to me and tell me that you were one big jerk of letting me go about 6 years ago. That you will tell me that you have been loving me too, even after we broke up. That even though you had girlfriends after us, I am still the one you've always wanted. That I am still the one you think of at night. That when you're alone, you curl up and cry because it has always been me whom you have been longing for. That you want me back because you can't stand us being just friends. That I am simply irreplaceable.
Pero imposible.
The last time I talked to you, you told me you couldn't be happier with you life right now with her. It saddens me because it's too easy for you to talk about her in front of my face. Kasi naman, I could've been her. Ako sana nasa tabi mo ngayon. Ako sana kasama mo palagi. Ako sana, at hindi siya. 6 years na sana tayo sa August 28.
Pero I know you're happy with your life right now, and I respect that. Never pumasok sa utak ko na sirain relasyon n'yo ng girlfriend mo. Alam ko na pag nalaman mo na mahal pa rin kita, sasabihin mo sa akin na mag-move on na ako. Dahil yun naman talaga ang dapat. Hihintayin ko nalang na dumating yung araw na makapag-move on na nga ako sa buhay ko. Pero sa ngayon, hayaan mo nalang muna ako na mahalin ka.
Mahal kita, sobra. Kahit alam kong hindi na tama.